My word for last year was tend and I’m not sure if my searching is accurate but I can’t seem to find a post I felt certain I’d written.
I’ve now checked my blog again and even Instagram – nothing.
I chose the word tend for 2023 because I was entering a season of busy (a senior leadership programme at work on top of my very full job already) and wanted to be sure that I gave attention to the things I needed to – my health, family and very close friends.
It felt at times like I did a terrible job but in fact, when I look back over the months, I realised that I did tend to the most important things. Yes, it could have been better (isn’t this always the case?!) but my word was a reminder to keep focussed and tend the things that mattered for that season.
It worked out because I ended up with my accreditation, passed with distinction and we also received the top syndicate group award.
The second half of the year started with a week-long holiday at the beach to celebrate (I booked this months and months in advance precisely so that we’d have something to look forward to after last exam, etc.). However, things went super crazy at work straight after that holiday and only started easing off mid-December.
Which brings me to how I was feeling.
Broken.
Broken at work – I felt very much that I could do nothing right. I was doing 2.5 jobs and therefore nothing was done in the way I like to work, with no end in sight. Add to that it also felt like I was getting horrible feedback from quite a few people which is really hard for an enneagram 1. Eventually I was saying (in my head) “take a number; I know I’m not getting to things quickly enough” but I couldn’t anymore with the 11pm work end times.
Broken in my family – I blame it all on the twins getting phones but last year was my actual worst year of parenting ever. Even worse than year 1, and I thought that was bad. Of course, phones, new schools, high school are all big adjustments but everyone was fighting all the time, or so it felt. I do not have an obliger or upholder so nothing has ever been easy.
This is also the age at which you stop writing about things to do with your kids and I am still not sure how to navigate this in speaking to… anyone, even friends. With the result that my friendships did not feel nurturing in the way I needed them to do, so that’s feeling broken too. I feel lonely.
Broken in my spirit – I basically feel like I’ve lost my sense of fun and am mostly sad. I cried more last year than I ever did in 2020. It was good that I had “watch more TV” on my #23 in 2023 list because TV did make me happier, as did reading some good books.
Last but not least, broken in my body.
I had a gastroscopy on 1 December 2022 so I was on a course of pantoprozole for GERD and stomach ulcers, and a new fun thing, low iron. I also watch my cholesterol carefully but when I ate “well enough” to control the GERD/ stomach ulcers, it was not a great diet so my cholesterol didn’t dip enough. I won’t bore you with the whole year but while I am finally sorted with my cholesterol, my iron stores are still terrible AND I’ve gained 6 kg. So that is just huge fun.
As my doctor said, it’s really not bad. All my bloods are great (except for the iron stores) and even my ferritin levels are in the normal (if low) range. I know it’s not bad but for someone who was healthy for 48 years, it is a real mindbender to have to monitor how you’re feeling and take actual prescribed medication twice a day.
I said all of that to say I considered happy for my 2024 word, but then I settled on WHOLE.
I want to feel whole again.
Whole – “in an unbroken or undamaged state, in one piece. complete in itself”
I’ve also chosen some supporting words – enough (my 2015 word) happy, brave, vital and strong
What’s your word for 2024? Care to share why you chose that word?
Firstly, that sounds like a very tough year you’ve gone through. Also, I love the idea of supporting words.
My word for this year is “be-hold”. I started to realise last year that I have ADHD so there has been a lot of grieving and learning. There have been years of “I just have to work harder, try harder, what’s wrong with me” etc. So now it’s time for me to be more compassionate and accepting of who I am. Day-to-day, as well as when things are tough, I want to be able to hold all the different parts of me in a caring and understanding way, and remember that I’m not defined by my stuff-ups. The “be” part of my word is to remind me to stay in the present. I’m learning to do this and it helps a lot, but I still want to ensure it stays front of mind.