Being intentional with friendship

What does intentional friendship mean to me?

It means being purposeful about cultivating relationship and connection with like-minded friends. It also means making time for friends even though it might not be convenient. Read half of my friendship manifesto here.

What does intentional friendship mean to you?

As an upholder, these are some of the things I do to be intentional with my friendships

  1. I decided what I needed to do to feel happy about seeing people enough, and once I had clarity, I got busy executing on it. I’m an extrovert and I want to have at least 4 friend dates a month, preferably 6.
  2. I schedule recurring friend dates to connect with some friends and I leave space to meet up with about 2 – 3 friends every month outside of those set times.
  3. I am the initiator about 90% of the time. I would prefer if that percentage was different but I’m looking on the bright side in that at least if I initiate, I actually get my extrovert fix in. I will say that I only initiate these days as much as I am comfortable. I have learnt over the last 2 – 3 years that I am enough and if I don’t feel like I’m getting any reciprocity, I won’t keep inviting.
  4. Monitoring my friend dates works for me. You can read more about my friend spreadsheet here. I’m sure it seems a bit over the top to some of you, but it really works for me, and helps me to be more intentional. Also, as an upholder, the strategy of monitoring realllllllly works for me.


Here’s how you make yourself accountable to your friendship needs. Set up recurring friend dates (first Wed of every month, or last Saturday of every month) and you’ll naturally pitch up.

To prevent your boundaries being crossed, also decide what you want and don’t want from your friendships, e.g. since my budget is Rx per month, I can’t eat at restaurants with mains of more than Rx. Otherwise you’ll just say yes and feel resentful the entire time.

Yes, a friendship is give and take, but since obligers lean towards meeting other people’s expectations first, boundaries are definitely something to bear in mind.


Questioners are the first ones to abandon friendships that no longer work for them. They don’t have problems hanging on like some of us …. but would always want to make sure that they’re in a specific friendship for the right reasons.

I know a questioner who is very specific about meet-ups. If people cancel on her at the last minute, she gives them one more chance and then stops initiating. I know another questioner who is also very clear that some friendships will probably not continue once circumstances change, e.g. work friendships.


Rebels approach friendship according to their identity. If they think of themselves as someone who makes time for their friends, for example, then they will live up to that identity. if they’ve decided that they’re terrible at initiating, then they just won’t initiate.

As a rebel, consider defining your friendship identity. Or not 😉

If you’re friends to a rebel (I have two friends! possibly 3!), try not to box them in. They need their freedom!

And that’s it for now.

Tell me again, if I don’t know, what is your tendency?

How can you be more intentional with your friendships?

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  1. MamaCat says

    I am a questioner. I do pursue friendships, to an extent. If I feel it is not being reciprocated, I have a sad moment and let it go. I am not big on following work relationships I don’t want. If I see we have nothing in common besides work, then if one of us leaves, that will be it.
    I often organise these dates, only because I am more organised and I can give date options for a month in advance.
    To be honest, I tend to cultivate friendships based on selfish reasons: etc… all three of us in our family get along with the other whole family, then for me that is a keeper. If it is a friendship where only HB is friendly, then I don’t really bother cultivating more than a school gate relationship.
    I have some dates where Hubby is never involved and it works fine for us. I cannot do as many as you do, so I aim for every second month.

    • Marcia Francois says

      I just love how you said, “I have a sad moment and let it go” – perfect 🙂

      Agree that where all family members get along with the other family, one will try harder because it’s rare!

  2. Oh my word… this post!!! I was so late to figuring out friendship and how very important it is to me, and you have it down to a science. I had always thought I was a bit of a lone wolf… until I realized just how much I loved spending time with friends. Not to mention hearts in this post and the one before the previous one… fine tuned vision for the month of hearts!!!

    • Marcia Francois says

      I’m still learning, don’t be fooled. I need to write about the enneagram but it was precisely because of friendship stuff that I started exploring the enneagram and that gave me some answers 🙂

      Glad you love all the hearts (I have a folder, obviously!)

  3. I don’t know Marcia…I want to say I am an obliger but maybe a rebel 🤷 I like this post. Though I don’t see me using friend spreadsheet, I do need something to help push me to contact a few on a more regular basis. I do enjoy my friends events when they do happen.

    • Marcia Francois says

      have you taken the quiz, Susan? You might want to take the quiz to settle it for you because once you know you can use her tips to help you.

    • Marcia Francois says

      PS I wonder if you’re an obliger who was just in obliger-rebellion at the time?

  4. This is soooooo good!


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